hatin in 08

In lieu of a promised dedication to a very special friend, I'm going to be writing in observance of the holiday season, before the New Years tidings have long expired and it gets weird.

This post also in observance of my totally self-pitying, shitty mood tonight. It all began with getting out of bed. Rain was falling outside, you could hear it on the window sill, and the bedroom was shrouded in that perfect light that encourages sleep, or at least a lazy day in bed.

I contemplated "taking a personal day," but alas, I am up to my shit in shitty shit momentarily, not to be alleviated for several days.

Not even Hillary Clinton can solve this. It takes more than a village to raise my spirits Hill. By the way...her "choke up?" I can't even come to terms with it. Cannot. Were we all duped New Hampshire? What we need is a, "Political Campaign Tactics for Idiots" book to be published.

But I digress. What I really want to talk about is my hates for 2008, reflecting on 2007. Well, I will throw in some loves, but my sour mood won't allow for the happiness quota this evening.

Here we go:

1. Dear hipster girl that waits for the bus with me every morning. Stop staring at the rest of us in condescension and pity for our mediocre, conformist lifestyles. I get it. You listen to a band with the word dinosaur in its title, and the bassist dresses up like a robot! You still shop at Urban Outfitters, now go make me a latte.

2. People that melodramatically express their distaste with smokers. The hand wave in front of the face, the scrunched up expression of disgust, the pathetic "cough, cough." You're cramping my style.

3. Academics that over use the word "convoluted." Your use of the word convoluted is making me want to convolute you and shit.

4. Girls. Ladies. Bitches. Stop taking that girl group picture that you all take that looks exactly the same, consists of the same people, in which you all have the same expressions. We get it. You're wild and wacky! A quirky crazy bunch that lives for crazy girl power awesomeness and pictures where you're doing crazy wacky stuff that only you would do!! Can you at least be entertaining and wear shirts that detail the stds that each of you has?

5. Vampires. I still like them. Where are they?

6. Dear B61 bus. It is obviously VERY over between us.

7. John Mayer. I don't understand you. Perhaps I never will.

8. Harry Schwartz. I think that's your name. You're the president, director, master henchman, owner, general or whatever it is they call you of Starbucks. You made your employees work on Christmas Eve...and Christmas. My barista crush and I discussed this at length, for several days. He's the only reason I go to Starbucks. He says that it's 21st century slavery. And he's black, so he knows what he's talking about. Dear Mr. Schwartz. You're kind of an asshole to me now, while previously I had at least respected the fact that you provided good health insurance to your employees. I can't even imagine the type of person that goes to Starbucks on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I bet they are all douchebags, dipshits, and assholes.

9. SIGH. Why do you go to a bookstore to talk on your damn cell phone? I am not in the poetry section to listen to your conversation to your friend about the date you went on, and how you're going to go to dinner again, and how he was gently chiding you in a flirtatious way about you were in his neighborhood and didn't even call him. First of all....maybe you didn't call him because he's a douchebag, but probably not because you just said you were going on another date with him...which is a big mistake. His oh so coy! tactic of making you feel like you were missed is boring to me. I'm done with him. You should find someone new.

10. Dear champion coffee. I love you. Your baristas are nice and slightly hipster but not in that obnoxious way. Also, one of you is from Wisconsin, and I can respect that. Your coffee really makes me feel better. The only person I don't like that works there is the curly haired guy that I heard arguing with the owner of the liquor store about wanting to return his already opened and half consumed bottle of wine. You are either exceptionally rude and deceitful, or just really dumb.

11. I love my bitches. Dear bitches near and far, you make my life complete. You are not feminine to a degree that makes me want to slice and dice you. If you are feminine, you are still reasonable. Despite your tendency towards appreciating blood, gore, death, hatred (that means you nichole), and general distaste for humanity, I know that you are good people that have my back no matter what.

12. Crap television, smut internet "research." I'm lumping this into one lovable category. I love crap TV, kitschy websites and really hilarious websites that don't mean to be. I love you. You are like a circle to me, no beginning and no end. I want people to stop saying, "kill your tv." There is a lot to learn. I promise. As long as you know that it's this crazy fun fantasy land of bull shit that brain washes people. Kudos to you Fox News. You make me laugh.

13. godhatesfags.com I hate you. I loathe you. I am sort of ashamed that you make me hate. But at the same time, it feels kind of funny to me. The antithesis of what any sort of higher power would teach is exactly what you are. Congrats. Thumbs up. Keep on a keepin.

14. This is sort of an ongoing pet peeve. Grammar nazis. Okay, if you're working on your thesis or dissertation....yes, it's time to call it out. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as off put when someone mistakes your for you're or its for it's or whatever. But give me a fucking break. You're not a Pulitzer prize winner. Get over yourself.

15. Swearing. I love it. Fill that swear jar up with quarters and dollars please. There is nothing like a swear word to really add a period to the end of a sentence or just...well, extend a lovely fuck you and fuck yourself and fuck it and .... It's almost as good as Vampires.

16. Dearest darling jobby job. You put wrinkles on my face this year. You've probably grayed my hairs, but I wouldn't know it, because it's been too many shades of pink to black to purple since 1999. I owe a premature death to you and the landmark.

17. Home sweet home. I don't want to leave your confines. Why would I go out there?

18. Karma. I believe in you. I can't wait for you to deliver the bitch slap x10 to those that need it.

19. Champagne. I love you. I want you now.

That's all I have for now. I may need to continue later. I have cocktails to concoct and voo doo dolls to stab.