SHITHEEL

We are bringing it back, by the suggestion of NMH. I had a discussion today, regarding the origin of the term "shitheel." I looked online, but I cannot find a definition that is satisfactory for my own purposes, so I am eliminating those options and just going with my own, as a spin-off of douchebaggery, with just a sprinkling of evil bastard. Less clueless than douchebag and dipshit, I think that shitheel is a tad more malicious that its cousins. Out of curiosity, I also did a google image search for shitheel, and this is what I found.

Keepin the little shitheel dry and warm!

Which leads me to believe, as was earlier discussed outside the confines of bloggington, that the term shitheel definitely originates with the emergence of canine domestication, and consequently, the emergence of shit, all over the place. Thus we find that the term shitheel is related to karma. As the people who are finding the shit on their heels kind of deserve it. But that's not really all that interesting.

So now let's talk about abortion. I was going to dedicate a singular glorious posting just for this topic, but I am so excited about it that I can't wait another day.

Point number 1: I LOVE abortion

I think it's a spectacular solution to a potentially catastrophic mistake. Insert here: GASP! But it's a CHILD not a MISTAKE!!! Oh, spare me. These words are most typically uttered by a white middle aged soccer mom that will never really be affected by the issue and if she is, it's because her daughter popped one out on the volley ball court after concealing it for 9 months. Some ladies find themselves pregnant with an "unwanted" child, because their school opted out on or couldn't afford sex education, so you thought that if you were on top you couldn't get preggoed. "Whatever shall I do?" Those afflicted with a surprise order of preggington special may ask themselves. Chippy Chuck, football team quarterback, is long gone. He is already screwing Zippy McBoobmaster and he doesn't even remember your name. When he sees you in the hallway at school, his only thought (which by the way results in his flunking mathematics), is: "That girl should lose some weight." Of course, I am relying upon stereotypes, and that is wrong, but oh so fun. So back to the story, you're lonely, you've caught the preggers, and you've got nowhere to turn but here:

This is a "Hanger Chrome Three." Which means that you're actually spoiling yourself. Girls in the ghetto have to use items such as this:

It doesn't have a schnazzy title, because it was constructed by your great grandmothers and grandfathers and forefathers and apes using discarded barbed-wire. So stop complaining. The Chrome Three is like the Waldorf Astoria of Abortions.

Anyways, I'm getting off topic. You will also need a lot of moonshine and a friend. The friend can be like the person that you would have at your wedding that makes sure that everything runs smoothly. But push all of those silly thoughts of marriage out of your head. You are tarnished, a spoiled woman, the rotten apple in a bushel of shiny ripe apples, and you probably won't live through what's about to happen anyways. Among other supplies that you will need are as follows:

Plastic bags, a lot of them, or just a few rolls of saran wrap. It's always good to have duct tape. A picture of Chip to get you through. Wear a skirt! And bring a bucket. But the best ingredient for your successful abortion? PASSION. You are lost without motivation and that get-em-go attitude!!!

SIGH. As I don't have anyone to bring the reigns in on me, I think I have to do it myself and say, you should abstain from sexual relations before marriage. Not only is it a sin in the eyes of god, but think about what all of your friends will say. However, I am going to go out on a limb and say that abstaining from sex IS another form of abortion. Think of all of the babies that died before they were even given a chance to be sperminated.

Next up: Rollerskates, why don't I have any?